All Hail Mitt Romney, King of Trolls

I used to think that Herman Cain was the king of trolls. In fact, I once said as much on his page. There are plenty of videos out there to prove it, with even an online channel featuring things that can only be termed "humor" and "political commentary" with the most skeptical of quotation marks. He even made a speech channeling Bill Pullman's stirring monologue from "Independence Day", the greatest bad action flick of all time. Surely, a troll to be reckoned with! He reigned supreme upon the Intertubes for many a day, until- suddenly- the new king arose.

As we all know, in matters of this magnitude, there can be only one. To prove that Mitt has what it takes to take on the King in true Immortal fashion- that is, a single combat sword battle ending in a gruesome decapitation scene that would allow Mitt to claim Herman's Quickening- he embarked on a World Destruction Tour with his own mentor, a man who spends almost as much time with women in casinos as Sean Connery does: Sheldon Adelson. With Adelson as his guide, the Mittster prepared himself for his epic duel with fate by honing his trolling chops on not just the English, the Israelis and the Palestinians, but also the Polish. In the face of such monumental failures, the press (especially the British press) lavished Mitt with such praise as "[w]orse than Sarah Palin" and "Obama! Obama!"

Of course, we can only imagine the look on Barack Obama's face when he heard about this. He had to have been laughing harder than the rest of us, because to all observers Mitt's trip was an absolute disaster. Right?

Right...?



WRONG.

And here's why.

That speech in Israel about "the hand of Providence" giving the Israelis an inherent advantage over the Palestinians in every way imaginable? Yeah, that wasn't for the Israelis. Sure, they were there, and they listened to it, but it wasn't meant for them. You know what I mean. It was for the Dominionists back home- the guys who can't let the word "Israel" come out of their mouth without gushing about how much they support it and would support it in the event of a strike by or against Iran.

How about when he stood up and decried Russia as "our number-one geopolitical foe", or when he pledged his support for the Polish Solidarity movement even though that group takes issue with Mitt's anti-union stances? Yeah, that wasn't meant for the Poles; it was meant for Romney's anti-communist buddies back home. The Poles in the audience who may have approved of his rhetoric were only incidental.

Finally, what about Paul Ryan? The only thing that put him in the news over the last couple months was has budget, which even his own Catholic Church described in this manner:

“Simply put, this budget is morally indefensible and betrays Catholic principles of solidarity, just taxation and a commitment to the common good. A budget that turns its back on the hungry, the elderly and the sick while giving more tax breaks to the wealthiest few can’t be justified in Christian terms.”

 But that budget wasn't for the Catholics. Or the poor, or the starving, or the old, or anybody else in need of actual help. Infrastructure, general services, sanitation: all get shafted by his budget plan. The only ones who make it out on top if his budget plan were to pass are those who are already out on top. With the choice of Paul Ryan as VP candidate, the GOP has added seniors to the long list of Mitt's troll victims. Only fitting that his budget plan would see social services cut while raising and then maintaining defense spending at no less than 4% of the GDP.

After all: who wants to live forever?

That is, other than seniors, military-age Americans, the poor and overseas brown people with funny clothes...